Thedaytheturkeysappearedforthefirsttime,twoofthembashedtheirheadsintotheglassdoorandsheleftmealone.OnherwayoutshesuggestedItapepapertotheglassinthehopethatitmightkeeptheanimalsfromseeingtheirownreflections.‘Thepaperisinthecabinetabovetheprinter.’Shealwayshasthetelevisionon.I’mnotusedtohavingatelevisionandwhenIwalkfromthebackofthehousetothefrontandtherearevoicesandsounds,itstartlesme.Notonce,buteverytime.It'sjustthetelevision.There’snobody.Thecountryandthetelevisionaretemporarilyobsessedwithpatriarchy.ThisinresponsetoajudgenominatedbythePresidentwhoisnowchargedwithsexualassault.Whenhewasastudentanddrunk,heluredagirlintoaroom,pushedheronthebed,puthishandtohermouthandtriedtotakeoffherbathingsuit.WhenIopenthegarageIseeafox.It’srunningfastbetweenthetrees,itsbushytailhighabovethethickets.AtfirstIthinkitisadog.I’mafraidofdogsandI’munabletobetheirmaster.Dogswerewolveslivinginpacksandtherewasalwaysaleaderofthepack.Whenthey’realonetheyassumetheleaderisthemselves.Whetherornotthey’resuitedfortheposition.Becauseit’sill-advisedthatahouseholdberunbyadogit’simportantthatsomeoneelsetakesonthatrole.InbedIthinkaboutthelasttimeIsawhim.Thelasttimeisalmosttenmonthsago.Itwasbythecarattheairport.Specifically,atthetrunkofthecarwhereheliftedmysuitcaseout.Togettotheairportwehadtodrivethroughthesnow.Wediditreluctantly.‘Itisdangerous,it’sasnowstorm.’LaterIwouldlearnthatthestormwasgivendifferentnames:WinterStormGrayson,BiggestBlizzardand‘abombcyclone’.ThatdayIdidn'trealisewewereinthemidstofahistoricalstorm,itwasjustalotofsnow.Thenextdaythehouseawakensandbuzzes.Ithinkit’sthecirculationoftheair.Orthewaterpump.Itcouldalsobethedevicethat’smeanttodetermice,butthesounditemitsissupposedtobeatafrequencyoutofrangeofthehumanear.It’sjustformice.IntheafternoonIgotothebackofthehouse.Thebackisactuallythefront.Thehouseisalabyrinth.Suddenlyitwasthere.Solost,itseemedalien.Maybeevenacoyote?Ilookedclosely.Notacoyote.Ababydeer.ABambiwithwhitedots.Late-born.Soakedandlost.Itcouldtakeshelteronthewideconcretestepsbutitsbabydeerlegsarenotusedtoconcrete.Dearbabydeerdeersingularpluralwalksupthestairs.Andoff.Itstaresatmeandistoowettobeafraid.Icouldsaveitbutthenitwouldbeabandonedandcompletelylost.Ateighto'clockintheeveningIgetamessage.Itisaboutthecourthearings.Thepresident,thejudge.Thefactthatallmenarebad.AndhowI’manelf.Afterthemessage,hecallsandasksmeifheisabadperson.Iwalkaroundthekitchenislandthreetimes.Iboilwaterfortea.Threetimesaroundthekitchenislandisthreetimesfourteensteps.Imakeanddrinkteaforgoodsleepanddigestion.Idecidetowatchzombies.HiswholefamilywillknowthatIwatchedzombies.WhenIscreamatnightIthinkofhimtellingmehowhebecameabettersingerbybeingsoaloneinthelittlehouseontheoutskirtsoftown.Idonotknowifonecanbecomeabettershouterorscreamerorifithasanyuse.IamnotevensurewhyI’mdoingthescreaming.It'sasifsomethinghastakenmeover,crawlingupfromthesolesofmyfeettogetoutthroughmymouth.IthinkitisbecauseIcan.Becausenobodyonthismountainhearsme.Andbecauseheisnearby.Theriverhasbecomeanocean.Ilieinthemiddleoftheroomonthelargecarpetmadeofbrownsheep.Mythoughtsareacommune.Thecarpetiswarmandsoftlikemud.ThroughthewindowsIseethetreesandthesky.Tothetrees,Imightlooklikeananimal.Itellhimeverythingfeelslikeareenactmentfrombackthen,thattime.‘Whattime?’‘WhenIwasinthehouse,lasttime,whenyoucametovisit.Thefirsttime.’‘Ah,yesofcourse.’‘Imagineifwedidawholereenactmentofourtimetogether?’‘Thatsoundsgruelling’‘Well,I'mafraidI'mdoingit.’‘I’amsosorry.I’lltry.’HesayshewantstocomeandIbelievehim.Hesayshe’safraidthecarwillbreakdowninthemiddleoftheroad.Ormaybehe’llhavesomesortofanattackandcrashintothebridge.Yesterdayhecouldn’tgetupbecauseofthetanglesinhishair.Myphonekeepsalertingmeaboutaflood.Theyrecommendnotleavingthehouseuntilmorning.AtnightIwakeupsweating.There’sathunderstormoutside.Whenitthundersinthemountains,somesayit’stheghostofHenryHudsonbowling.Ashebowls,he’swatchingoverthevalley.Ilistentothesoundofaboilingeggmixingwiththehumoftherefrigerator.MythoughtsrightnowarethatI’mlisteningtothesoundofaboilingeggandthatIshouldtaketheeggfromthepotandthatthewritingofhistorymaynotbeforme.Allthistelling.Thedescriptionsoftheenvironment,myhosts,therooms,thesmells,thescenery,thestreets,mythoughts.I’llkeepdoingituntilIgiveup.Wecannotgiveup.Mymotheralwayssaidthatwasstrength.Forus.Uslittlepeople,wedon'tgiveup.InFinlandtheyhadathingcalledtheSaunaOlympics.In2010thesaunawastoohotbuttwomanpersisted.ARussianandaFinn.Intheendtheybothpassedout.TheRussiandiedandtheFinnwasscarredforlife.Iremembertheeggandgetup.Thereisnoegginthewater.Thewaterhasboileddown.There’snearlynothingleftinthepot.Ifillitupwithwateragainandputtwoeggsin.